16.8.06

First-Year-Fifty

What is it that all football players do after the season is over? Well Marcus Vick goes to court, Chad Johnson does his best to look like Dennis Rodman, Peyton Manning jumps into Direct TV commercials to remind everyone how much he loves himself, and The Bus becomes a football commentator. Now think, if all that chaos happened within a 4½-month period of time, how in gods name do these football players survive after they retire?

Well for one, they don’t ever have to work out in their lives if they choose not to, and on top of that, they aren’t restricted by any contract. So ride without a helmet Roethlisberger, and for God’s sakes Ricky Williams, move to Jamaica and smoke pot, if the entire team of the Minnesota Vikings wanted to, they could hop on a boat and do whatever it is that they want to do, but not until the season is over and not until retirement. Whatever makes them happy, they can do. Which is exactly why first-year-fifty is so predictable.

First-year-fifty is the weight gained by every single NFL athlete after retirement. With all the duties and responsibilities relieved from the past 10 years of their life, they eat, and eat, and definitely not work the extra poundage back off. First-year-fifty affects all, and although you don’t see it on The Bus quite yet, it’s coming. It happened to the great John Elway, it happened to O.J., and it certainly happened to John Madden.

You might be asking yourself—What is the root of the first-year-fifty? Well the answer to that is simple, but first you have to face the facts. Football fans are fat, they are fat because they like to eat and watch the games, and if you’re not fat, than you can’t have the full experience of a number one fan. Fans don’t play the sport, but they love it with their entire hearts. Football fans have assorted jobs, they live all over the world, but when it comes to game time, they are all united. These first year retirees may be a bazillion times richer, and may have washboard abs, but when they quit the sport, they become the same as another football fan, and if they truly love the sport as much as their admirers it will show when they gain their first-year-fifty.

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